Revelations
by Dmarx
Summary: In which Castle answers questions about his marriages, Johanna Beckett is remembered, and a dance is shared. Spoilers for 4x11. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

_Summary: In which Castle answers questions about his marriages, Johanna Beckett is remembered, and a dance is shared. Spoilers for 4x11._

_Author's Note: This is just a little something I came up with after seeing a post on Tumblr that mentioned that Ryan's wedding is on the anniversary of Johanna Beckett's death (to whoever posted that, this is for you). I'm sure it's much fluffier than what's actually going to happen, but since it's still 3 weeks till that episode, I'm sure we could all use some fluffy goodness :)_

_Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts, I still lay no claim to Castle and its characters._

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><p><strong>Revelations<strong>

**Chapter 1**

"Kate?"

She looked up, startled, and found herself staring into a familiar pair of blue eyes. Concerned blue eyes.

"Hey," she offered awkwardly, suddenly realizing that she had been zoning out for the past few minutes.

"Are you okay?"

She relaxed into the back of her chair and shook her head almost imperceptibly, clearing her mind of the haze of memories and focusing on the present. He was aware of the fact that she still would not meet his eyes, though. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

Castle looked less than convinced but opted not to press further. He knew that Kate would talk when she was ready. She always did. Besides, he had another plan at the moment, one that would hopefully remove the saddened look from her eyes.

"Dance with me."

His hand appeared in her line of vision and Kate hesitated only briefly before grasping it and allowing him to help her to her feet. He was her wedding date, after all. And she did want to dance with him, although he would never know how badly.

Castle led her onto the dance floor by the tips of her fingers and when they reached an open space, he wasted no time in pulling her to him, one hand on her waist, their others linked off to the side. Kate tentatively rested a hand on his shoulder as they moved to the beat; it was not quite a slow dance, for which Kate was thankful. Slow dancing with Castle might push her over the edge right now.

All around them, the room was decorated with white strands of lights, casting a soft hue over everyone in attendance. The tables had been pushed aside and though a few people were still sitting and talking, by now, most had joined the newlyweds on the dance floor.

Castle and Kate moved together naturally, his eyes never leaving her face, while she attempted to look anywhere but at him. He looked incredibly handsome in his black suit, his hair flopping over his forehead as it normally did. But the merriment associated with weddings and seeing his good friend so happy was putting an added glow in his features, making him look even more attractive than he normally was. She was pretty sure he had caught her staring at him more than once, but now that he was so close to her, she found herself almost nervous to make eye contact.

While he admired her, not for the first time tonight, taking in the soft curls of her hair, her grayish-green dress that brought out the jade flecks in her eyes, Kate's gaze remained fixed intently on a point over his shoulder and it was not until she spoke softly that he understood what had so profoundly caught her attention.

"They look so happy," she murmured.

"Hmm?" Castle asked softly, his breath playing over her cheek. How did his face end up so close to hers?

"Ryan and Jenny."

He turned them slightly so he could follow her line of sight. "They do," he answered, his voice laced with melancholy.

With his eyes fixed on the newlyweds, Kate finally forced herself to look at him. She was surprised to see a slightly forlorn expression on his face and before she could stop herself, she was asking a question she had no right to ask.

"Was that how you felt?"

Castle snapped his gaze back to her. "What?"

She blinked but did not look away. "At your weddings. Was that how you felt?"

Oh. Well that was a question he was certainly not expecting. Granted, it was exactly what he had been thinking about, but he was used to pulling the mind-reading trick on Kate, not the other way around.

"Yes and no."

Kate cocked her head curiously.

"I was happy," Castle elaborated. "But I wasn't getting married for the right reasons. And in retrospect, I wasn't nearly as happy as I should have been on my wedding day."

"Why not?" She probably had no right to ask that, either, but for some reason, her sense of appropriateness was lacking today.

"It wasn't right," he replied with a sigh. "I loved Meredith but I was never in love with her, and I thought I could love Gina, but I was still too hurt from the first time around."

"From your first divorce?"

"From the way it ended." There was a pause and Kate debated pressing for more information, but from the way his body stiffened against hers, she was not sure the 'why' would be a question he would want to answer. "She cheated on me," he said eventually, his eyes cast downward in shame.

"Castle..."

He shook his head, still not meeting her eyes.

"It happened. It's in the past."

Kate wanted to smack herself for bringing this up. "But still, I shouldn't have asked. I had no right."

"Kate." Castle stopped her with a firm tone. "We're partners. You can tell me anything and you can ask me anything."

"I know, but this wasn't the right time."

She felt him shrug. "Weddings bring out the introspective side of people."

Kate could not disagree with that statement.

"Would you do it again?" she asked after a minute.

"Get married?"

She nodded, surprised to feel nervous butterflies in her stomach in anticipation of his answer. It was not like it was a big deal, right? Kate almost rolled her eyes at the voice in her head. Of course it was a big deal. She may not be ready to admit it aloud, but the fact that Castle could be her 'one' was crossing her mind with increasing frequency lately.

Castle pulled their twined hands in so they were resting on his chest, her palm directly over his heart. "With the right person, yes. I just wish it hadn't taken two failed attempts for me to realize what I was looking for."

"Hmmm."

They fell into silence for a while, and as the music switched to a slower melody, Castle pulled her closer, his hand wrapping almost all the way around the small of her back. Hers tentatively slid to his neck, her fingers fiddling with his collar. They were dancing nearly cheek-to-cheek now, their joined hands trapped between their chests, and the feeling of his body, so warm and solid against hers was becoming overwhelming. Every breath was filled with his scent, beneath her right hand she could feel the beat of his heart. It was intimate moments like this that she had been craving more and more lately. Moments where it was just them and their feelings were pure and real and nothing else mattered.

_You could have this, Kate, all the time,_ she reminded herself. Except she was not ready yet. Physically she was. Emotionally she was. But mentally she was not, not until her mother's case was put to rest and she could overcome this wall and simply let go, follow her heart and not her head.

Her mother. Kate had known today was going to be difficult, not only because she was Castle's wedding date but also because it was January ninth. The one day of the year she usually reserved for sitting at home wrapped up in blankets and allowing her emotions to completely engulf her. But this; the merriment, the love, the joy, the families...Kate was fighting to keep it together, to not let everyone see that she had been fighting tears all day.

"Thirteen years," she murmured suddenly.

Castle pulled back enough to look her in the eye. "What?"

"My mom died thirteen years ago, today."

His arm tightened around her. "Kate..."

She brushed her fingers against the skin of his neck ever so lightly. "No, it's fine, it's just...hard."

"To be here where everything is so happy?" Castle ventured, taking his turn at pressing a previously unspoken topic.

She shook her head. "To be at a wedding. I always imagined my mom would be there for me, you know, to help pick out my wedding dress and plan everything. And being here, especially today, reminds me that that will never happen."

"She may not be there in person, Kate, but she'll be there in spirit. And she'll be there in you, like she is every day."

Kate blinked and looked away but Castle was faster, dropping her hand and cupping her chin, bringing her eyes back to his.

She tried to pull away. "Castle..."

He held firm. "Kate, it's okay." He reached up with his thumb to gently brush away a tear. "It's okay to cry."

Before he could say any more, she buried her face in his neck. Her other arm came up to wrap around his neck, joining the one already at the back of his collar. Castle could feel her tears drip onto his skin and it broke his heart to know that her pain ran so deeply. And that there was nothing he could ever do to take it away from her. This was one burden that, while he hoped he could someday shoulder part of it, he knew he would never truly understand what she had been through.

Castle hugged her tightly as they continued to sway to the music, his other hand finding its way into her hair. He ran his fingers through her curls, gently massaging her scalp, and after a couple minutes, he felt her relax into his embrace.

"Let it out, Kate," he said softly, placing a kiss in her hair. "I've got you."

He hoped she understood the layers to that statement, but if not, now was not the time to dwell on it.

"I wish you could have met her," she said softly, her shaky breaths caressing his ear as she fought to regain control. "She would have loved you."

He hugged her tighter. "If she was anything like you, I'm sure I would have loved her, too."

Kate's breath caught. Did he really? Did he just basically say that he loved her? She had heard him say it before, of course, but hearing it now, when she was not dying, and when they were wrapped up in each other's arms, was so much different somehow. So much more real and powerful.

In the background, the song came to an end, the music fading out. Lanie and Esposito, and even Ryan and Jenny, had stopped dancing, their eyes fixed on Castle and Kate, but the pair was oblivious to the world. Her head was pillowed on his neck, his was buried in her hair, and they stood there, still swaying to the music that was no longer playing, completely consumed by the emotions that were flowing between them.

At long last, Kate lifted her head, met his gaze, surprised to find his eyes shimmering as well. Her mascara was slightly smeared, her eyes slightly red, but the tender smile on her face spoke of gratitude and, dare he say it, love.

"Thank you," she said softly as they disentangled, though they did not completely break the physical connection between them. "So much."

"Anything, Kate. You know that."

She stepped the rest of the way out of his arms. "I need to go freshen up," she wiped at the mascara smudges by way of explanation. "Save me a dance later, okay?"

"Just one?" he asked, a mock pout on his face.

She smiled slightly and stepped forward to pat his cheek. "Give me a few minutes and then I'm all yours for the rest of the night."

"The..." he gulped, "the rest of the night as in...?" Castle could not even manage to finish the sentence.

Kate leaned in and brushed a whisper of a kiss against his cheek.

"I'll be right back, Rick."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_Summary: In which Castle answers questions about his marriages, Johanna Beckett is remembered, and a dance is shared. Spoilers for 4x11._

_Author's Note: Holy smokes, you guys! I don't think I've ever had such a positive response to something I've written! I woke up to an inbox full of reviews, most of them asking me to write more. And since I had so much other stuff to do that was far more important, I decided to be responsible and procrastinate by writing you guys a second chapter. I really hope it lives up to all of your expectations! _

_Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts, I still lay no claim to Castle and its characters._

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

True to her word, Kate emerged from the bathroom five minutes later and made her way to the bar, where Castle was seated on a stool sipping from a glass of light-colored liquid. Emotions were swirling through her like a maelstrom as she approached, the happy mixed with the sad mixed with what she could no longer deny as love. Love for her partner, the one man who she knew would always stand beside her.

Kate hoped that someday, she would have the courage to tell him how much it meant to her that he had gone to the trouble of finding his way to her heart. That he had been there for her, no matter what. And that, despite all of her faults, he still saw her as extraordinary.

With every step closer, she found herself more and more afraid of what was to come, tonight and beyond. Afraid of what could happen if they did not work out. Afraid of what could happen if they did. Her wall was still there, as were the residual effects of her PTSD, but despite it all, she was sick of pretending that she could not do this. That she was not madly in love with him.

As she neared the bar, though, Kate forced herself to suppress all of her fears, her insecurities, and her confusion for the night and just enjoy the time spent with Castle. It was not often that they got to be together without work duties calling, and she was very much enjoying their newfound closeness outside of the precinct.

With that in mind, she walked confidently over to where he sat and stepped right up to him. He immediately reached out with his free hand and found her waist, pulling her to stand in the vee of his legs. Kate smiled and went willingly.

"Hey," he said softly, eyes tender and warm.

"Hey."

He squeezed her waist slightly. "Better?"

"For now."

He nodded, seeming to accept her answer. "Want a drink?"

"Sure."

He was about to call out for the bartender when Kate took it upon herself to lean forward and snag the man's attention, ordering before turning her attention back to Castle.

While they waited on her drink, Kate's eyes trailed around, her detective instincts kicking in and causing her to scan the room, to take in everything. The newlyweds had separated for possibly the first time all night and Ryan was talking with Esposito while Jenny was hugging her mother.

Absentmindedly, Kate lifted her hand to the chain around her neck. She had not been wearing the necklace as of late, but today, she needed her mother with her. She needed to feel the ring nestled between her breasts, needed the reminder of...Kate was not sure what it was of any more. Her mother was gone. She would not be coming back. But she already knew those things. They were facts of her life that she would never forget. But somewhere deep inside of herself, some part of Kate was afraid that she would forget. That one day, she would wake up one morning and not be able to see her mother's face, hear her voice or her laugh. And whether she realized it or not, somehow, having the ring with her today made the memories stronger, made her mother feel closer again.

Kate clasped the small band between her thumb and index finger and moved to hide it back beneath the neckline of her dress when a hand reached out and snagged her wrist, halting her progress.

"Castle," she protested immediately, automatically.

"Can I see it?" he asked softly.

Kate hesitated. Though he had wormed his way into her mother's case, she was still careful about what she shared with him. He knew the cold hard facts of the case, but she had never spoken to him about her feelings following the murder, about the dark place into which she had very nearly descended. About how his books kept her afloat until she managed to find her own footing once again.

"Please?" he asked softly, his thumb caressing her wrist. Kate hoped he could not feel her racing pulse.

Kate met his eyes and saw nothing but honest curiosity and, dare she say it, love, and released the ring. The cold metal sliding through her fingers mixed with his warm hand on her wrist elicited a strange sensation that she was unable to put a name to.

Castle lifted the ring to eye level, examining it from every facet. Kate was not sure what exactly he found so interesting, but she forced herself to relax, to stop worrying about what this might mean and focus instead on the question he was asking her.

Wait, he was asking her a question?

"What?" she asked automatically.

"Was it her engagement ring?" Castle repeated.

Kate looked down at it. "Yeah."

Castle shifted it slightly as if to get a better angle. "It's really pretty."

She nodded in agreement. "Yeah."

"Thank you," he said softly, lowering the ring to her chest and gently depositing it back beneath the neckline of her dress once again. Kate startled at the feeling, at his hand so close to her exposed skin, but she did not pull away.

Their eyes met, heaps of emotion passing between them, and while Castle seemed to be quite content in the moment, Kate was struggling to comprehend what had just happened. Why it had meant so much to him that she had just allowed him to see her mother's ring.

Whatever it was, though, Kate would have to ponder it later, as the bartender returned just then with her drink. Kate thanked the man and took a sip, forcing her questions to the back of her mind for the time being.

Castle's eyes followed her movements as she set her glass back on the bar and adjusted her dress, but when she caught him staring, Kate simply offered a shrug and a small smile.

"Excuse me, miss," said a voice from behind her said suddenly, and Kate turned to find a woman trying to reach the bar.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Kate replied politely, stepping out of her way and, in the process, further into Castle. His hand that was on her waist...she had not even realized it was still there...slid around to her lower back as he simply accepted her into his personal space. Not that he ever had a problem with her being there.

Kate looked down, finding her face far too close to his, and awkwardly froze.

"Hey," Castle called softly, drawing her from her panic. He touched her arm with his free hand. "Relax, Kate."

"I..." she released a breath, long and slow, and tried again. "I'm sorry, it's just...it's a lot."

Castle dropped his hand and lightened his touch on her back. "If you want me to back off..."

Kate cut him off with a shake of the head. "No, it's fine, it's just..." Just what? Too tender of a touch? Too much love in his eyes? Too much love in the air? Too many strong feelings floating through her, all battling for dominance?

He pressed gently against her lower back. "Come here."

Despite the voices in her head screaming that this was a bad idea, Kate stepped closer, one hand rising to rest on his shoulder again. Castle's other hand found its way to the small of her back and almost before she comprehended what was happening, he was hugging her, his head pressed to her chest.

Heat raced through her body at the feeling of his breath against her skin, his hands holding her firmly. Kate took a deep, shaky breath, and Castle automatically tightened his grip on her.

"You okay?"

_No,_ Kate wanted to answer. She was overwhelmed. She missed her mom. She loved the man who was currently hugging her. She was quickly becoming addicted to this increased physical contact between them, but at the same time, she was scared of where it may lead. Of how much more she could handle tonight. But despite it all, she was happy and warm. And it just felt so right, being in his arms.

"Yeah," she answered, her voice slightly too forced to be completely convincing.

"Is this too much?" he asked against her skin, his lips brushing across her clavicle. Kate could not be sure if it was accidental or intentional, but either way, her body's reaction was very real. And far too intense to be caused by a set of lips.

"No." She faltered, unsure of how to completely convey what she was feeling. Although she would first have to be able to comprehend her emotions before she could share them, so for once, Kate let her heart do the talking instead. She could analyze it all to death later.

The words that came out, however, were not at all what either one of them was expecting.

"This is perfect just like this."

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><p>Thirty minutes later found the couple once again on the dance floor, wrapped in each other's embrace and swaying softly.<p>

Kate had long ago lost track of what song was playing, or how many songs they had already danced to. Hell, she could not even be sure that there was anyone else on the dance floor right now. All she was sure of was that Castle's body was warm and solid against her, that his arms were strong around her waist, his hands firm against her lower back, his fingers absent-mindedly tracing patterns on the fabric of her dress.

Her arms were wrapped securely around his neck, her fingers fiddling with the collar on his shirt (he had long ago ditched his suit jacket). Her chin was resting on his shoulder, eyes closed, as she breathed him in and relished in the feeling of being surrounded by him.

Someday soon, she hoped that they would spend much more time wrapped around each other like this.

A couple of songs later, Ryan and Jenny danced by and smiled happily at the pair. Kate smiled back and Castle winked and Ryan chuckled as he twirled Jenny around. The bride laughed as well, her eyes laced with joy and love as they met her husband's, and Kate felt a spark of jealousy as she observed the carefree openness between the two.

"I want that," she murmured as she watched them dance away.

"What?"

She lifted her head and fixed her gaze on the newlyweds. "Happiness. Love."

God, he wanted that too. With her. More than anything. But right now was probably not the time to pour his heart out, not when he could tell that Kate was struggling with her emotions.

"You will, Kate," he finally replied, settling on something ambiguous yet optimistic. He hoped it was implied that he was the other party in that eventual equation.

"You were right, you know," she said softly, her eyes still focused on Ryan and Jenny.

"Hmmm?"

"When you said I hid behind my mom's case. That I was afraid to be happy." She sighed. "I was. I am."

"Why?" Castle asked hesitantly, hoping that was not beyond the scope of what she was willing to answer.

Kate shrugged. "The stronger the feelings, the harder the fall."

"It is a risk," he agreed. "But it's so worth it, Kate."

"I'm starting to see that," she admitted.

"Yeah?"

She turned her head just enough to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Yeah."

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><p><em>Happy Holidays!<em>

_Thoughts?_


	3. Chapter 3

__Summary: In which Castle answers questions about his marriages, Johanna Beckett is remembered, and a dance is shared. Spoilers for 4x11.__

_Author's Note: I am just floored by the response to this story. You guys are so awesome, and getting involved in the Castle fandom was definitely one of my best decisions of 2011. So thank you for being so supportive and encouraging and most of all, thank you for giving me a place to share my work. And now that I'm done being all sentimental, I present to you my first chapter of 2012!_

_Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts, I still lay no claim to Castle and its characters. _

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

A couple of hours later, the party was winding down and guests were gradually filtering out. Esposito and Lanie had left just a few minutes before and Castle was gathering up their jackets while Kate said her congratulations and good-byes to Ryan and Jenny.

Castle joined them a minute later and did not think twice about stepping up behind Kate and helping her into her jacket. She accepted his assistance willingly, rolling her eyes at Ryan when he raised an eyebrow. She could tell he was biting his tongue to hold back whatever comment was on his mind, but when Castle gently removed her hair from her collar, his fingers brushing her neck in the process, Kate shivered, and that was all the answer Ryan needed.

While Kate buttoned up her jacket, Castle hugged Jenny and shook Ryan's hand, wishing them the best and making Ryan promise to bring him back something from Hawaii. Kate rolled her eyes at his childish excitement, but as they stepped outside and he offered his arm, she found that his smile was quite contagious. She was almost positive she too was grinning like an idiot. Of course that had nothing to do with the fact that she had just spent an evening in very close proximity with Castle and that he had been nothing but sweet to her. And despite her earlier emotional confusion, she only feeling flowing through her right now was happiness.

"Home?" Castle asked, tearing her from her thoughts as they approached the curb, intending to hail a taxi.

"Where else would I go?"

Castle shrugged. "We could go grab some food."

Kate put her hands to her stomach. "I'm too full for that.

"Coffee?"

She smiled. "That sounds good."

"Perfect." Castle tugged on her arm, guiding her across the street and down the block. "There's a place just around the corner."

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><p>"Ahh, It feels so good to sit down," Kate lamented as they slid into a booth by the window a few minutes later, coffee cups in hand. "My feet are killing me."<p>

"Yeah," Castle agreed, tossing his jacket down onto the booth next to him. "That was a lot of standing and dancing."

"Mmm, it was such a beautiful wedding, though," Kate said softly.

"It was."

"Was that what yours were like?"

Well, crap. She had not exactly meant to ask that. Her brain to mouth filter still seemed to be seriously lacking tonight.

Castle chuckled, seeming unfazed by the question, for which Kate was thankful. "Not at all. My wedding with Meredith was basically her wanting to put on a big, dramatic, expensive show. With Gina, it was all about the media frenzy. Honestly, it was like a circus."

"You don't sound too thrilled," Kate observed.

Castle sipped his coffee. "Well, I already told you I wasn't getting married for the right reasons. And in retrospect, the fact that both of them wanted big fancy weddings just because we could afford it should have been my first clue. Meredith wanted a fun and rich and over-the-top lifestyle. Gina wanted money. But if I did it again, it wouldn't be a big show because I know now that that's not what a wedding should be."

Kate raised her eyebrows. "When did you get so mature and sensible?"

"I don't know," he replied teasingly. "This detective dragged me into her police station one day and captured my attention. I think that's where it all started."

Kate blushed slightly, but to her credit, she did not shy away.

"You really have grown up a lot," she mused, almost to herself, as she swirled her coffee around, staring at the spiral pattern in the liquid.

Castle was not sure he was supposed to have heard her, but he replied anyways. "Well, working with the police will do that to a person. I don't think I ever really had to face a harsh reality before that, you know? I mean, I went through divorces, but other than that, I had a pretty sweet life."

A flash of guilt ran through her at his words. Yes, when they met, he had definitely needed to grow up a bit, but his childlike excitement and ability to lighten just about any atmosphere was one of the things she liked about him and she felt a bad to be the one responsible for exposing him to the things she saw, for dragging him into a world in which most people in it carried heavy burdens.

But she had to admit, she liked this mature side of him as well, the sweet man who was a father to Alexis and the best partner she could ever ask for. Kate shook her head. She did not just _like_ that side of him...she _loved_ it. So much. There was no point denying it to herself anymore, not since her shooting, but definitely not after tonight. The evening had been a sneak peek of a future that Kate so desperately wanted, and after dancing in his arms for probably at least an hour, nobody would believe her if she tried to deny that she was head over heels in love with him.

Kate covered his hand with her own on the table, suddenly feeling the need for physical contact. She had become accustomed to it this evening and now that they were not connected in some form, she found herself missing it. A lot. More than she wanted to admit.

"Don't grow up too much, okay?"

He grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling in that endearing way and flipped his hand over to twine their fingers together. "Like that's possible."

Kate laughed...full out laughed...throwing her head back, her hair falling over her shoulders and tumbling down her back, her mouth open and smiling. God, she looked so beautiful when she laughed. She was always beautiful to him, but right now, she looked absolutely radiant.

Castle was so completely lost in the moment, in her, that he did not register that she had stopped laughing and was fixing him with an expression that went from curious to slightly disapproving when his gaze remained glued to her face.

She squeezed his hand to get his attention but he only half reacted to the movement.

"Castle."

He jerked in surprise. "What?"

"You're staring."

"Sorry," he replied automatically.

"No you're not," Kate retorted.

He shrugged. "You're right, I'm not."

The way the city lights were shining through the window was entrancing. Her face was glowing a soft orange and her eyes were shimmering. How could he ever be sorry for staring at her when she looked like that? He was completely captivated.

"Castle," she called again.

"Hmmm?"

Kate glanced around behind her, trying to figure out what had caught his attention so intensely. "What could possibly be so interesting?"

He shook his head. She honestly did not know, did she? She had no idea how beautiful she was. He could stare at her all day, and from the looks she had received from some of the other men at the wedding tonight, he was not the only one.

"It's just...the way the light is hitting your face right now..." He knew he was toeing a fragile line, but things were different tonight, somehow, and he could not restrain himself any longer. "You're so gorgeous, Kate."

She could not look away quickly enough to hide the blood that rushed to her cheeks.

Kate was not clueless; she had been called everything from beautiful to sexy to hot. She was very comfortable how she looked and had certainly used it to her advantage when she was undercover. But very rarely had anyone ever commented on her looks with such a level of reverence in their voice.

He was not the only man who had ever stared at her, but no one had ever been so fascinated by her that they could spend more than three years admiring her. Then again, no one had ever stuck around for three years before.

She could still feel the heat in her cheeks and neck but she forced herself to look up, to meet his adoring gaze. Kate was pretty sure that the emotions in his eyes made her blush deepen.

"I...thank you," she stammered in reply.

He knew Kate was not easily flustered; in fact, the last time he had seen her like this had been when she feared that Natalie Rhodes was going to take over her identity. At that time, it had been hilarious to watch, and he had let her know that he thought so. Now, he felt a sense of pride, knowing that _he_ had the power to derail the normally unflappable detective. However, now was not the time to bask in it or tease her. Castle was notorious for ruining the moment, but this was one he would like to savor in its unblemished form.

"Kate," he called softly.

Her eyes had drifted away from his again but she forced them back. "Hmmm?"

"You know I'm serious, right?"

Kate squeezed his hand softly and nodded. She had no reason to doubt his word, and his eyes were completely honest. "Yeah."

"Good. Because I am, Kate."

She smiled shyly, the adorable one that slowly lit up her face, and Castle returned it with a grin of his own. However, that seemed to be her limit on sweet sappy moments because she slid out of the booth then, releasing her grasp on his hand. Castle immediately missed its warmth.

She adjusted her dress, grabbed her coat, and waggled her empty cup at him as she stood. "Ready?"

No, he was not. This was a twenty-four hour coffee shop and he could easily spend all night here, talking and laughing and just watching her. And maybe someday, he would have that option, would be able to spend all night gazing at her. But not tonight. Not yet. They were getting there, but they had a ways to go before he and Kate would be spending the night together.

"Yeah," he lied as he stood, hoping he successfully masked his disappointment.

They deposited their garbage in the receptacles and pulled on their jackets as they left the shop. Castle offered his arm as they stepped back out into the brisk night air and Kate took it without hesitation, a gentle smile gracing her features.

And when they walked around the corner and were hit with a cold breeze and Kate automatically leaned into his side, Castle wondered if maybe spending the night with her in his arms was not so far off after all.

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><p><em>Happy New Year!<em>

_Thoughts?_


	4. Chapter 4

_Summary: In which Castle answers questions about his marriages, Johanna Beckett is remembered, and a dance is shared. Spoilers for 4x11._

_Author's Note: Because who doesn't need a little more fluff to help us survive until January 9th?_

_Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts, I still lay no claim to Castle and its characters._

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

"So what about you?" Castle asked as they made their way to her car.

"What about me what?"

"You asked about my weddings, but what would your dream wedding be like?"

He was aiming for a casual conversation, of course, but he was also completely committed to remembering every detail of her answer because, whether she knew it or not, he fully intended to marry her some day in the not-so-distant future.

"I haven't really thought about it," Kate lied, ignoring the images in her head of her in a white dress and her partner in a tuxedo, gazing at her lovingly as she walked down the aisle.

"Liar."

"Do you not remember when I told you I'd never torn a picture of a wedding dress out of a magazine?"

He could not believe she had remembered that conversation. "I do."

"And?"

"I don't believe you."

She shrugged. "Well, it's true."

And it was, mostly. Kate vaguely remembered being fascinated by a couple wedding dresses way back in the day. She was pretty sure she had dog-eared a couple of magazine pages before, but she honestly had never torn one of them out. And then her entire world was torn apart and she could not have cared less about weddings.

He elbowed her side gently. "I still don't believe you."

She did not respond.

"Come on," Castle urged softly. "I know somewhere inside of you is the little girl who planned out the perfect wedding."

Kate averted her eyes, focusing on the sidewalk beneath her feet, willing herself not to tear up. Working with Castle had brought out pieces of her that she had not seen since before her mother's death. Pieces that she forgot even existed, pieces with happiness and innocence, not the tragedy and death that plagued her on a daily basis. And she had found that she really missed that part of herself. She also really, really missed her mom.

"Kate?"

She did not answer.

Castle stopped walking and tried again. "Kate."

Their arms were still linked and he used the connection to pull her around to face him.

"Castle," she protested. She still refused to fully look at him, but he could see the tears in her eyes, fighting for escape.

He immediately realized his mistake. "I'm sorry," he said softly, pulling her to him and wrapping both arms around her. She hugged him back tentatively. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked you that."

She bit her lip and forced back the tears. "It's okay."

Her voice was too choked up for Castle to believe her. "No, it's not, I..." He wanted to smack himself. "I didn't think that through."

They stood there wrapped in each other's embrace for a good minute or two before Kate broke the silence. "My perfect wedding would have my mother there," she murmured, her breath playing across the skin of his neck. "But honestly, the only other thing I really want is to be walking down the aisle to the man who loves me."

Castle's arms involuntarily tightened around her. He did not speak, but Kate was pretty sure that they were currently having the exact same thought, sharing the exact same visions. At least, she hoped they were.

She hugged Castle tighter, hoping to convey what she was not yet ready to tell him, and he melted into her embrace. God, he would give anything, _anything,_ to be that guy. To spend the rest of his life with Kate Beckett.

He would like to think that he was the one in her mind when she described that scenario, but with Kate, he could never be sure. Everything that had happened tonight had spoken of something deeper than just friendship. The dancing, the closeness, the sharing of memories and dreams and emotions. He could only hope that is was the first step towards the future he longed for.

Kate shifted against him, laying her head on his shoulder, and that tore him from his daydreams. He could consider the ramifications of the evening later. Right now, there were more important matters.

He loosened his grip slightly and lifted his head to look down at her. "I'm really sorry, Kate."

She shook her head against him. "I'll be fine, Castle."

He leaned in, pressed a kiss to her temple. "You sure?"

She looked up, eyes still moist, but not so sad. "Positive." She stepped out of his embrace and tugged on his arm. "Come on, let's go."

"Yeah, yeah, sure," he said hurriedly, willing his brain to catch up with what was happening. He felt horrible for starting such a conversation, but Kate seemed to be taking it better than he thought she would, for which he was thankful. He also hoped it meant that she was healing, that her wall was coming down.

Castle stepped to the curb again, raised his arm, but was interrupted by Kate.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting you a cab."

"I think I might walk," she said, her voice steady, betraying her recent emotional turmoil.

"Kate..."

"My place isn't far from here." Plus, she could use the fresh air.

Castle glanced at the nearest street sign. A few blocks was not so bad, really, especially not when you were a cop, but everything inside of him screamed not to let her walk home alone. A gentleman would not do that.

Plus, he was not ready for the evening to end.

"At least let me walk you home," he suggested, though Kate knew better than to think that he was actually waiting for her permission. He would follow her even if she said no. And though Castle knew that she could quite easily hurt him for insisting that he accompany her, he knew she would not. Her hidden smile was really not all that subtle.

"Okay."

They walked in silence, side by side, taking in the lights and sounds of the city. It was a chilly winter evening but there was no snow to be seen and the sky was completely clear above the excessive glow of neon and headlights, street lamps and stoplights.

After a couple blocks, Castle offered his arm once again and, to his delight, Kate did not hesitate to accept, linking her arm through his and weaving their fingers together as well.

She felt him relax against her side and chanced a glance over at him. His eyes were fixed ahead of him, his profile set, but there was a soft smile gracing his features, all but erasing the tension of their earlier conversation. She could still see some of it lingering, though, in the line of his jaw and the slight wrinkle in his forehead.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"Huh? Oh, yeah."

She nudged him with her elbow. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head, trying to organize his thoughts and suppress his insecurities. How was he supposed to explain this to her without undoing all of the progress they had made tonight?

"It's nothing, Kate."

"Hey," she said sharply, finally drawing his eyes to hers. "Partners, remember?"

"I know, it's just..." he sighed. She was right. He had told her no more than a few hours ago that she could tell him anything, so it was only fair that he extend her the same level of openness. "I don't want this to end."

"What?"

"This evening. Us right here, right now. Tonight has been...I don't know, different somehow."

"What do you mean?" she inquired curiously.

"We've shared a lot more. We danced. It's been...wonderful, Kate. And I don't want to go home and wake up tomorrow and find out that this was all a dream, or that nothing has changed."

Oh, Castle. It broke her heart to hear him so unsure, so insecure. She also mentally cursed herself for letting him believe that, for not doing more to convince him that this was what she wanted. Him. Evenings spent in his arms, dancing and drinking coffee, talking softly.

"I've been going to see a therapist, you know?" she said quietly.

"You mean Roger?"

Kate shook her head. "No, a different one. The department psychiatrist."

Oh. _Oh._ "Really?"

"Yeah."

"Since when?"

"Since September. Since my first case back."

"I..." he hesitated. Castle was sure this was probably an intensely private subject for her. "I had no idea."

"I needed it," Kate continued, emboldened by her admission. "I wasn't okay."

"And now?"

"I'm trying to be," she answered truthfully, her brown eyes meeting his blue ones. "I want to be." The _for you_ was left unspoken, but she hoped he understood. Sharing this with him was the first step. Another time, she would explain the reasons behind her decision.

"You will be," he said softly, and Kate's heart warmed at his unwavering faith in her.

"It's changed me, you know."

"The therapy?"

She shrugged, considering her answer. "The shooting. The sniper case. All of it. It's made me realize that I can't keep being defined by my mom's case. I don't want it to hold me back anymore."

"You're letting it go?" he asked in surprise.

"Not forever."

"But for now?"

"For now. Until I can stand on my own two feet again without it. I don't want any more of my life swallowed up by this case."

"But that wall...?"

Kate shook her head. "Solving the case won't fix that. It won't take away the pain or bring her back."

She swallowed hard, forcing back the sudden onslaught of tears. Castle had done a good job of helping her forget that today was January the ninth. But it was, and the pain was real, and though having him here beside her lessened it, it was still there. Would always be there.

She reached up, wiped her eyes. "He's helping me let go. It's painful, but I think I can feel it starting to get better."

"Can I...can I help somehow?" Castle asked hesitantly.

She squeezed his hand. "Just being here for me helps more than you know."

He squeezed back. "I'm glad."

"Tonight isn't a dream, you know," she said then, drawing them back to their previous conversation. "This is real. This is me trying to let go, trying to break down that wall and let you in."

The feeling that suddenly overwhelmed him was something that Castle was not sure he would ever be able to understand. He never thought he could be more in love with Kate Beckett, but in that moment, knowing that she was trying to break down her wall for him...he was so completely, helplessly in love with her. God, she was amazing.

"Kate, I..." Speechless. She had rendered him speechless. "I don't even know what to say."

They continued in silence for a minute, Kate enjoying the newfound freedom that came from her admissions, while Castle scrambled to figure out how to properly respond to her words.

"Wow, Kate," he said eventually. Certainly not his most eloquent sentence ever, but it was all he could manage. She was amazing.

After his failed attempts at coherency, the remaining three blocks were traveled in silence, but it was not at all awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, the best way to describe it would probably be hopeful, as both of them were contentedly basking in this new stage of their relationship.

Castle was so captivated, in fact, that he was caught completely off guard when Kate stopped in front of her building. He stumbled to a halt next to her, nearly tripping over his feet in his dazed state. But Kate had just admitted that she was trying to be better, for him. That she was trying to let him into her heart. How could he be anything _but_ stunned and amazed and completely out of touch with his current surroundings?

That was, until he felt her free hand on his cheek, her thumb caressing his jaw. "Thanks, Castle."

"For what?" He hoped his voice did not sound as overwhelmed and shaky as he felt.

"For making this the best date I've had in a long time."

Uh...date?" he stammered, his brain still fighting to regain its focus.

Kate leaned in and brushed her lips across his ever so lightly. "Date."

She started to pull away but at the feeling of her lips on his, Castle suddenly found that he was completely caught up with current events. Kate Beckett had just kissed him and suddenly nothing else mattered except for kissing her again. Right now.

He deftly snagged her around the waist with both hands and pulled her back in, her lips warm and pliant against his. This kiss was tentative but passionate and lingering, and when their lips finally separated, Kate swore her heart was pounding out of her chest, while Castle's threatened to melt completely.

"Kate?" he asked, and she could not blame him for being confused and curious. Along with adorably flustered, which she always found completely endearing.

"That's my promise to you, Rick," she explained.

He was lost again. "Promise?"

"That I'm going to keep fighting for this. I'm not ready yet, but..." she hesitated, searching for the right words.

He squeezed her waist gently.

"But you'll get there?" he asked, his voice so full of hope that it warmed her entire being.

"I will."

She feathered her lips across his once more, a gesture full of promise and love, before stepping away.

"We will, Rick. Together."

* * *

><p><strong>THE END<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


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